and jealousy is not a virtue

I feel like a terrible, terrible person. I know so many people who are graduating from college, getting engaged, married, and actually going places in their lives. I am so happy for each and every one of them, but I'm also just a little bit jealous. I feel as though I am stuck. From where I'm standing, graduation seems ages away. And Matthew and I have talked about getting married, but he doesn't want to get married until I graduate. Some days, that is SO HARD to fathom. I just want to feel like I'm going places in my life, too. Instead, I just feel terribly stuck. I don't think God gifted me with the virtue of patience.

And so, my heart aches.

Today, my heart hurts. It hurts so bad, it aches. It feels like I'm lost in a hole that I just can't seem to get out of. And for once, this hurt is not my own, but the hurt of one of my very best friends. And so, my heart aches.

Three years ago today, she lost one of her best friends in a car accident. When I learned that he had died, it was one of those moments that just overcame me like a tsunami. I had heard so much about this boy whose sense of humor brought her so much joy. Who had been the confidante she had needed during some hard times. Who she loved infinitely. Who was texting her potentially just moments before he died. I never met this boy. I only knew him through the kind words of his (and my) dear friend. I don't even know very much about him. I know that he was a self-professed "happy" atheist. I know that he had somewhat of a hard life. I know that he loved music. I know that he loved my friend very, very much. And other than that, I don't know much else about him. I never had the chance to meet him. And even if I had, would I have said a word about my Lord? Probably not. I usually don't. And so, my heart aches.

My heart aches for lost loves and for lost friends. For lost faith and for lost hope. For lost opportunities and for lost souls. And most of all, my heart aches because I am too afraid to talk to my dear friend about our Lord because I know the turmoil that is going on in her heart. I tread lightly when I talk to her about my faith, because I know that she won't let herself believe in the Almighty God. Because if she believes, if she admits that there is a Lord over all the world, then she has to admit that her dear friend, the self-professed Atheist, would have no chance of having made it to Heaven. If she believes, then as she says it, his life and his death were all in vain. And I have tried and tried and tried to come up with an explanation for why she should believe in a God that would allow someone she loved so much to die so soon. I have no words, no explanation that could possibly lessen her pain at the loss of a dear friend. And so, my heart aches.

I want so desperately for my darling, dear friend to come to know the loving, merciful God who keeps me safe in His arms with every breath I take. I know that He is just, gracious, merciful, loving, powerful, and almighty. I know these things in my heart because I have seen it; with my own two eyes I have seen it. He has brought me out of the pits of Hell time and time again, and I know that my God is good. But, I have no idea how to bring her to know God's mercy and goodness when all she can see is this travesty of injustice and lost life that ripped from her heart whatever faith she may have had left. And so, my heart aches.

Dearest Lord, please, oh please show Yourself to my dear friend. She needs You whether she knows it or acknowledges it or not. She needs to know what it feels like to be loved by You, Lord. I certainly don't have the means to bring her to You, and so, I give it all up to you, Lord. You are certainly more great than anything I could ever profess about You. And, if anyone can breach the pits of Hell, it is most certainly You, Lord. If anyone can give someone peace in their hearts when they are feeling unspeakable pain, it is most certainly You, Lord. My heart aches, Lord, for all the lost souls in this world. I just pray that You would please, oh please, use me to lessen the numbers of those lost souls, and I pray, I fervently pray, that she would be one of those souls. I pray that you would draw her near to You, Lord. You are sovereign in all things, and I know that you can bring even those who seem to be irrevocably lost to Your heart, Lord.

Amen.

I know that even if my friend comes to love the Lord, there will always be a place in her heart that knows her dear friend is suffering in eternity. She will always, daily, hourly, have to wrestle with what it means to be a believer. And so, my heart aches.